Tom's FanWalk blog: 2008

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I spoke too soon!

On a straight path leading directly to Liverpool, John Brown managed to lead us into Wales. How does he keep doing this?

John Brown, professional orienteer and FanWalk guide, has developed a bit of reputation over this past week. John has a special talent for getting his teams lost in seemingly straightforward navigational situations. When you're following Mr Brown it is a case of the blind leading the hung-over. His infamy has reached the stage that the other guides now join in with our desparing laughter when we are told that he will be leading us. At the moment we're walking down a direct path to where ever we're going (I've completely lost track of where we are) so it'd be difficult for him to get us lost - difficult, but you know somehow he'll manage to 'pull it out of the bag.'

'I can't believe we're going to the EMAs tomorrow, that's, like, tomorrow'

...said the girl in front of me on the bus. To be honest, I'm more excited about the bonfire party tonight. I know that the EMAs was always the final objective of this voyage into the unknown, and the after-show will be amazing, but I prefer the company of my new-found friends than celebrities with whom I no doubt share a mutual contempt.

Sean's reaction to the FanWalk champion, Dirk

Sorry this is so short, it got butchered in the editing suite.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The sweet taste of innuendo

The Friday before the start of the FanWalk I went to Club NME at Koko in Camden with my best buddy, Andy. I go to Koko quite regularly, I love it, but that Friday was the first time I'd seen them stock an energy drink called Pussy. 'Pussy?' I said to Andy, 'that'll never catch on. Who's going to want to buy a Pussy?' (insert name of celebrity caught up in prostitute scandal). 'You'd not catch me with a Pussy in my hands' I added, somewhat homosexually. Then I get on the FanWalk and soon find out that Pussy, an MTV sponsored beverage, is the official drink of the FanWalk. Now I'm addicted to the stuff! On my first night I downed three cans before bed and got 2 hours sleep as a result. Another night I had Pussy-inspired headache due to drinking too much, and yesterday, during the walk, Sean and I were drinking double vodka Pussys. Now the next time I see the drink I will feel compelled to buy it, for memories of this week and the Pussy innuendo. My favourites all come from Sean: 'I'm on my third Pussy of the night,' 'I love the sweet taste of Pussy,' and, 'Oh no! My Pussy's dried up.'

Sean is dead

It was just a normal morning. We were walking through a wooded hill when suddenly we were ambushed by partially sighted bird assassins (I say assassins, they didn't hit a bird in 20 minutes). Sean made a break for freedom, but when aiming at a bird 50 metres above his head, a marksman ended up capping Sean in his ample buttocks, fatally wounding him. Just before he died, Sean uttered his final sentence: 'you can take my life, but you will never take my Pussy!'

Tamara

Meet Tamara. Tamara is from Malta. I've never been to Malta before but I've been told it's almost exactly like Narnia, but with more mystery. Tamara's hobbies include: being photographed in the morning, eating apples and owing me money. I wrote a seemingly friendly message in her book yesterday, but what she doesn't know is that if she reads every 18th letter of the message it spells: I want to kill you. Despite this, Tamara is my friend.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Westlife

Just checked in to our lovely Spa hotel. Westlife's number-one hit 'World of our Own' was on one of the music channels. I love the obligatory key change near the end. Just thought I'd share.

Superfluous signage

There are many superfluous signs in this country. I'd argue that, although hilarious, the above is an example of one; I doubt that anyone is prepared to sue the manufacturer of sexual stimulants for an unexpected orgasm - it is justifyable because it's beautifully worded and evidently it inspires debate. Another favourite is 'Slippery When Wet'. If I I've learnt one thing from this fanwalk it's that things in which water plays a large role are usually slippery: ice, slippery; mud, slippery; fish, slippery. Perhaps the slippery when wet sign should be placed next to cutlery at restaurants to stop over zealous meat eaters from accidentally stabbing themselves in the leg with a steak knife. 'Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?'

'Such a charmer'

We've just been busking on the rain sodden streets of Birmingham for charity. Busking, and raising money generally, is all about picking the right people to approach and then hitting them with enough charm so that they're willing to part with their recession endangered cash but not so much as to make them want to punch you and steal the money you had made thus-far; it's a delicate balance. Fortunately I'd done a spot of fundraising before so I think I was reasonably competent today. One guy did threaten me that if I approached his girlfriend with my philanthropic pursuits her father (the Chief Commander of the Birmingham Police - allegedly) would have me thrown in the slammer - my words not his, people don't use prison slang enough anymore. However this was tempered by the young banker-type who (in a time when the security of his livelyhood is arguably at its most precarious) gave me £4 and a warm handshake, the banker's equivalent of a loving embrace. All told, a good morning I think; our group made £41.88 in an hour.

The problems of predictive texting

I was writing 'I'm sharing with Sean' but I missed the 'H' key. Honest.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Saturday round-up

I've not been too diligent on the old blog posts today, I've been too busy living the dream. Since earlier on we've set up camp in our army barracks room and dominated the bowling lanes. Team Sex Pistols might not have knocked over as many pins as the winners, but what we lacked in talent we more than compensated for in enthusiasm, celebrations and banter. I've gone hoarse from screaming everytime we knocked over a pin, giving motivational speeches to the team and laughing at some frankly ridiculous bowling.:d Now we're back at camp and the alcohol has unfortunatly dried up; I've drunk so much energy drink that I've given myself a headache - totally worth it. Special mention should go to Sean, with whom I've laughed (constantly), cried (with laughter) and sung Arctic Monkeys with tonight. Rock on Young Pretenders!

Saturday round-up

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Roast Cow Inn

We're all a bit knackered after walking all day and eating much cow, not roasted, sadly. I've just heard Mr Brightside followed by Sex on Fire on someone's phone. I wonder what songs with odd lyrics like that actually refer to? Sex on Fire sounds like it's about some particularly vicious STD, and The Killers are always writing nonsensical lyrics: during the title song to their second album, Sams Town, they sing: 'put your back on me'. WTF?

Aquatic bird racial equality

Look at the different aquatic birds of varied creeds, colours and species mixing and playing in unity. It's beautiful. The Young Pretenders win again.

More fictional place-names

They love 'em in this part of the country.

Welcome to Berkhamsted

We're not cheating, just stopping for the use of the Berkhamsted Station amenities, which are noted in hiking circles for their lavishness. I'm sure Berkhamsted is a fictional place. It's like they've taken three place-names and joined them together. Any fool can do that, just today I created: New Hampingtonshire and County Windslemingtonbry.

Friday, October 31, 2008

I made this!

This is what I did to John's hair for the Hallowe'en night crazy hair task. Sexy.

The Young Pretenders' issue of the day: aquatic bird racism

The Young Pretenders (TYP) are the thinking-man's comedy duo and, as such, are alive to the important issues the world faces today. Racism among aquatic birds is a problem that is growing with alarming regularity in canals and ponds across the country. Just today, TYP intervened in a particularly vicious stand-off between the very racist Canadian Goose Geezers and the Mall-hard Man Dem. Thanks to our intervention, there were no fatalities, but the incident has sent ripples throughout the aquatic bird community. TYP believe the only way to stem the mindless flow of aquatic bird racist attacks is to introduce a proportionally represented aquatic bird council to reside over, and efficiently police, Britain's waterways. To support our cause, sign the petition attached to this blog. Yours concernedly, TYP.

The Young Pretender

Two amazing things have just happened: i've just had a roast dinner with three different types of meat and potatoes and two different types of gravy (good times); and more excitingly, Sean and I are forming our own Flight of the Conchords style comedy duo (great times).

Mmm...

Breakfast at Frankie and Bennies...

Jason

Il s'appelle Jason, J-Unit to his friends. Jason knows more about pop music and celebrity than anyone I've ever met. His hobbies include dressing up as a sacrily realistic Britney, throwing shapes and wearing cool hats. Jason is my homie.

Sean

Meet Sean, 19, from bonnie Scotland. Contrary to popular belief, Sean is in fact NOT Ron Weasley from Harry Potter. His interests include smiling, good music and Tom Drew assimilation. I like Sean, he is my friend.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Watford travelodge

John and I walked into our room to find no bed, sofa or any kind of hygene. The mirror was smashed and there was rubbish on the floor. They were kind enough to give us a douvet, however.

Nice parking...

...in the middle of an otherwise scenic park outside Watford.

Count Sineadula

Unprompted in any way, Miss Graham decided to make a Halowe'en costume out of tin foil and ketchup. The scary eyes are coincidental, an unfortunate birth defect.

John

This is John. He's 18 and also from East London (don't hold that against him). His skills include beat boxing, Kanye impersonations and excellent banter. John is my friend.

Emma

This is Emma. She is 28 and a fellow Brit. Some people are scared of Emma at first glance, it might be the horrible jacket... I'm not scared, I like neon orange. Emma is my friend.

Lost

It would appear my earlier suspicions were correct. We got lost in the middle of a field. Don't ask me how.

'To be lost in the forest'

Start of day 2. We haven't actually got lost yet but John, our guide, ensures us he'll make that happen at some point today. Good thing this high-tech phone has built-in GPS!